Did you know.. parental burnout is a thing?

Did you know… parental burnout is a thing? Because.. I had NO CLUE.

I know I feel exhausted, overwhelmed, tired, frustrated… all the time. I had no clue it was actually a thing. It is comforting to know it isn’t just me going through it and I am not alone. I am writing to tell you, YOU ARE NOT ALONE!

Our weekend was pretty quiet, which was nice. Well.. except for the Taylor Swift concert on Friday. Which was AH-MAZING, I'll go into this on another day. By Sunday afternoon, I was utterly exhausted. I sat down to start brainstorming ideas all up in my head, when one child who was supposed to be studying starts turning around and talking about random shit. The other is playing with his toys and all I hear is whoosh, pow, bam! My husband is frustrated because I just informed him that drumsticks are not actually ice cream, and apparently I ruined it for him. (sorry hunny). TV is blaring the same show I’ve seen 5,000 times. The dogs are crying wanting to go outside to find Peter Rabbit. AHHH!!! I pulled a hubby move, went to the bathroom for 20 minutes just to sit there.

Mind blown.. Parental burnout is a thing.

I knew about job burnout, taskmaster burnout.. but PARENTAL BURNOUT? I guess I am so shocked by it because I feel like talking about being a working mother (or father), who does everything is just supposed to be what we do, we aren’t supposed to complain. I thought we are supposed to do it with a smile on our face while cooking dinner (a homecooked dinner, not chicken nuggets, fries, and some apples) while simultaneously playing a game with our children. I guess I am so mind blown because there is a label for what so many of us are feeling but don’t want to talk about. But it is real. It is very real.

Between the school schedules, the extracurricular schedules, it is spirit week at school with a dress up day every single day. (Don’t you hate that, especially the no costumes, but instead dress in your favorite book character). Between all the Groupme’s going off… why am I in 15 groupme’s for my children, I am not their manager!? IT IS CONSTENT!

Sometimes, I just need quiet time….

Sometimes, I just need quiet. It has taken me a long time to accept this and be okay with it and realize it is a boundary needed for me. And to admit to my children when I need it because I am overwhelmed if effing hard. In the beginning when I would tell them I need quiet I am going in another room, I am overwhelmed. I felt like a failure. Then after a little while, I would just say I am going into my office, I need a few minutes of quiet because I am overwhelmed. I slowly started putting up those boundaries, and they would understand and let me have my quiet time until I was ready. I go in my office which is my space, to get the few minutes I needed so I didn’t explode and holler at them for the stupidest things. Then slowly, my kids would say I am overwhelmed I need a minute. They would go in their room and come out a few minutes later better and sometimes wanting to talk about what was going on.

I’ll never forget one morning we were going out of town, I was thinking about all the things I needed to do while on the way to school. My daughter (who is me made over) was asking a zillion questions. I grabbed a notebook, and told her to write down everything she wanted to ask and know about the trip. When she would get home from school, we would go through it and I would answer all of her questions. And we did. She was quietly writing down everything, then when it was time to drop her off, she handed me the notebook and said “here you go mom, can’t wait to talk about it this afternoon” with a big smile! I told my therapist I did that, and she looked at me in utter shock. She said that is brilliant and I wouldn’t have thought to do that!

Okay… parental burnout is a thing, now what?

I am in no way an expert at any of this nor am I perfect. I am just a mom and a wife who is trying to figure out this whole thing like everyone else and I thought I’d share some things I’ve personally done that have worked. With all of the added pressure to be a ‘perfect parent’, that will cause burnout in itself. As I’ve gotten older and as my kids have gotten older (they are 12 & 9) I have tried to be honest with them. I have tried to figure out ways that works for us as a family for communication, teaching them boundaries. Which is something I lack. I have apologized to them for the times I did loose my shit instead of taking a few minutes.

What I have noticed with trying different things:

• Being honest with them when I am overwhelmed was a game changer in our household. Even when I am overwhelmed - with them. - This one was the hardest one to do. To admit to my beautiful sweet children, you are overwhelming me. But this doesn’t have to be done harshly. Just by saying, I know you have a lot of awesome thoughts and I want to hear all of them, but I also have a lot of thoughts I am trying to get through. Can you give me a little while to finish and clear my head so you can have my full attention when you tell them to me? Go write them down so you can remember them.

  • I think by doing this, it helps them to understand you aren’t ignoring them, instead you are actually acknowledging them and want to give them the full attention they deserve. But just not right now in this moment. AND THAT IS OKAY!

• We started and stopped and started again, reading nightly devotionals as a family. Each night one of us would read the devotional and we would talk about it after and how it applied things that has happened in our family. We have ended several nights in tears good and bad. But it made us closer as a family.

• When my kids become extra needy, or fighting more than usual. It is because they aren’t getting enough one on one attention. Life is hard, it is busy, the amount of responsibilities we have as parents in today’s world isn’t easy. What is easy is to get lost in it. So, when my kids are fighting more than usual, or acting out. I try and take some extra time even if it is 5 minutes to spend with no distractions just our time.

  • I have found that when they are being mean to one another, or asking a zillion questions it is because they are trying to get our attention.

    • please don’t take this as my children or neglected or don’t get any attention.. because they do. Most of the time we are running one kid here, one kid there, so they aren’t getting the quality time with us as parents.

This last one was the absolute hardest one to do but the most rewarding.

• Dealing with burnout because of your childhood. I had a very hard childhood growing up, and as my daughter got older, I felt like I wasn’t the mother she deserved, there was something missing, blocking me. I knew something wasn’t right, and that something was me. I beat myself up over it for years. I started going to trauma therapy because I had figured out the only way to make sure my daughter had the relationship she deserved with me was to work on me. And woah! Within the first 15 minutes, she pinpointed what was going on, and why I was doing what I was doing. I was subconsciously putting a wall up as she got older, because that was the hardest parts of my life. It was a punch in the gut, and liberating all at the same time. It gave me joy to know the WHY behind it, and there is a reason as to why I felt like this. I did trauma therapy for a year and a half.. had to stop because of health reasons, but I will be going back.

  • What I learned and has forever changed my life is there is a reason why I have done (or not done) things.

    • She told me to go to the little me… pick one. See what she needs, and give her that. Give her the hug, the comfort, tell her you are there. You will never leave her and you’ve got her! We’ve made it this far and we will keep going. Go and visit her from time to time. When you do this a few times, it’s like something changes. You can break apart your adult feelings from the little girl (or boy) inside of you. You can comfort them, hug them, hold their hand and go to the park. And by doing this, giving the little girl inside of me what she needed allowed me to give my daughter what she needed.

  • This was very hard going through it. But ultimately it saved relationships around me. It allowed me to break generational cycles. It allowed me to heal, which in turn allowed me to start being a better mother to my children.

Well. That got deep quick.

Whoaaaa.. now I‘m tired. ha! If you’ve read this far and feel some of the same ways, I hope you now know you aren’t alone. There are so many women going through this and it seems it has been talked about more and more. But please please don’t give up. Don’t give up on yourself, on your relationships. Sometimes you just need to sit back and look around you. REALLY look around and see what triggers you and when. Then find out the WHY!

I hope you enjoyed this, and please let me know your thoughts and ways you have dealt with parent burnout.